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What Makes A Man A Good Lover

Sexwork SecretsI am one of the majority of women who for the life of me cannot climax from penetration sex. And God knows it is not from lack of trying. If there is anyone in the entire world who can say that they have tried every possible angle, toy, man, object, rhythm, position, vegetable, dick it’s me, and no joy. My little clit loves a tickle, she adores a great nibble, so nothing annoys me more than watching those misleading TV scenes where some female is being pounded against a wall and in a matter of seconds she is hollering like a banshee in erotic ecstasy.

I call BULLSHIT! I have never had an orgasm in the standing position. Am I a mutant? Short and sadly honest answer is definitely fucking not. I have had the privilege of chatting openly with hundreds of the most sexually experienced women on the planet; my fellow sexworkers. All agree the TV perpetuates a myth, that all you have to do is find a fantastic man and the sex is bound to be equally fantastic. Does it then follow that assholes are terrible in bed? Unfortunately, not!

Just once I would love to see a movie that reflects reality….. girl and guy fall in love, fall in bed awkwardly and then have a less than mediocre experience and wonder how to call halt on this relationship without offending him/her.

Recently I was at a birthday party talking to a lovely lass who had had one too many cocktails and started talking about her sex life “I would rather go to high security prison for 60 days than give my fiancé a head job! I don’t even like him going down on me”. I ask you…. Who would propose to a girl knowing that your sex life bought about so much repulsion? This was neot the low point of the evening, NO it was immediately following this admission when half a dozen ladies chimed in in agreement. “I couldn’t agree more, I give (insert name here) sex once a month just to shut him up.

I started to think, if I had been dropped on a strange planet, or entered a parallel universe.

Don’t these ladies know that sex is fun? That it eases tension? How did they find themselves joined in matrimony to a man for life that they can’t stand fucking?

Being good in bed was in my top five criteria to date me.

  1. Financially secure
  2. Open minded/ no racism, not prejudice/bigoted accepting of all,
  3. Loves my daughter
  4. Kind, patient, not an ounce of aggression in his soul.
  5. Great in bed

Four out of five is not enough. You would get a No parking here notice, and be asked to move on.

I and all the girls I have worked with in my sexwork years are forever eternally grateful to the “knock back wives” as it is our bread and butter business…. The frustrated, hard up husbands. Running a very close second is the dudd in bed, can’t get a second date dude. These two species have paid my daughters private school fees, paid my mortgages, and funded my comfortable lifestyle for way too many years.

Let me share a story…. I had a client who on paper was a fantastic catch. Six foot three, top journalist on TV earning a substantial sum, came from a great family that passed down houses and ponies, if you get my drift. Body to die for, not a great sense of humour but he was a lovely man, kind, generous and very loving and not too shabby on the eye. Let’s call him Jon. Well Jon would visit me almost weekly if he was in town, he would insist on a two hour visit, which consisted of an hour of talking, and ten minutes of sex, then a shower and leave (he liked the feeling of not being rushed). As often happens; he confused the relationship and fell in love with Eve. Now his proposal would turn a girl’s head…. Leave this job, move in to my five bedroom house with your daughter, marry me, and just love me forever. How very Pretty Woman-esque. However, one small problem, he was terrible in bed! He committed most the sack sins.

  • When on top he laid all his torso weight on me while his lower half seemed to be driven by a separate motor that pumped away to the beat of a Slipknot song until he climaxed.
  • If you were lucky enough to get a nibble on your bits it was always disappointing. I can only describe it as when I see my friends offer new food to their fussy children and the face they pull and the reluctance with which they draw that spoon to their mouths. Slowly they poke their tongue out to sample this foreign, potentially lethal object. You can almost read their immature little minds, “I know I have to eat this, if I don’t there is no ice-cream with sprinkles for me, fuck it, just get it in my mouth, chew for a bit then swallow, til it’s all gone, then I will get my reward”. It is with this speed and enthusiasm, the dudds orally stimulate.
  • The one position sin.
  • The speed racer sin. God forbid you take your time, perhaps build to a crescendo. Maybe pause and bust a move. NO just sprint to the end.
  • Finally, the immediate talker sin, roll off and start talking about random crap. “So who are you going to vote for in the coming election?” Which I then I interpret as this thought was running through his head while he was committing the other sack sin which I coined the flounder fish sin…..When a fish is pulled on board a boat they try to escape the whiley fisherman. You aren’t going to catch me Captain Ahab, I am going to throw myself around and with any luck one fast thrash might see me bounce back into the life giving ocean. It is never comforting to know that your sexual partner cannot totally immerse himself/herself into the act but rather performs the act all the while contemplating the coming election.

So while it was a fabulous offer I had to politely decline. A life of comfort at the expense of sexual satisfaction is no life at all. Perhaps if I was much older my answer would have been different, but I was still a virile young lady at the time.

Gentlemen it is a penis not a magic wand, it is not the be all and end all. Your penis only sets off fireworks when it is combined with the right performance, the right words, the right emotions, confidence, sentiment, even enthusiasm. Having said that it needs to be a perfect balance of all those things combined sometimes to bring on an orgasm from a willing partner. Sadly, there is no perfect recipe; one part enthusiasm to three parts rhythm will get your lover to climax each time. Women are such complex beasts compared to their male counterparts. I just love their simplicity; if I oil up my hand and your penis and stroke your member while you ogle my boobs or fondle my lady-bits chances are I can get you to erupt each and every predictable time. Not so with ladies. I do take my hat off the all the men who are great in bed sometimes I compare getting me off to asking my husband to unshuffled the rubix cube each time.

Am I worried about something that my boss said to me. Am I still annoyed about one of the kids. Am I embarrassed about having not recently waxed my girl. Am I warm enough now that you have ripped off the donah while you dive on me. Lordy getting all these stars to align just seems way too fucking hard. See women orgasm from the heart, brain and body, men are not as deep, bless their little hearts.

I recall picking up a guy from a pub one night (it was a dare, let’s face it weekends were my only sexfree times). He was handsome, tall, well spoken, generous, so he was getting me very excited about culminating this encounter in a mind-blowing sexual experience. Everything was going great, I was drunk enough that my internal naggy monologue had fallen asleep so pure lust was firmly in the driver’s seat. Then he smoothly went ‘down town’ that’s when things got ugly. My friend has a red-setter who drewls less when running on a summers day. My ears were assaulted with slurping noises, like a hungry Ethiopian kid drinking soup. What the fuck is he doing down there? I lifted my head out of shear curiosity, all of a sudden instead of the handsome man I had bought home an hour ago I was confronted with an eight-week old puppy playing with a sock. Tossing it from side to side, determined to get the better of this furry usurper. No chance of an orgasm here, in fact please just leave, and please delete my phone number. So much for the benefits of an enthusiastic lover.

One of my personal pet-peeve sexual faux-pas is the gentleman who truly is gifted with his touch, who has you forgetting this is a paid job. Who’s touch is inspired, who’s technique is a gift, then raises his head to utter, “you like that don’t you, you dirty whore?” Which is the male equivalent of ice down your pants. While we are on the topic of useless narration and adlib; please don’t just tell me to relax! Help me to relax, easy my mind, reassure me I am sexy, wanted and appreciated.

When I think about the men who have rocked my world, they were not always the men you would see shaking their shit for the Chippendales. But they are the men who are innately selfless, who are keen observers, naturally curious, generous, patient with just enough creative spirit to make him sexually appealing.

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