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How To Treat Your Sexworker

For-a-Good-Time-Call-posterSince my book came out I have become a veritable Pied Piper of sexworkers of all varieties. I have to admit I love them all, I had missed my little chin wags with other working girls when I left the industry.  So all this new communication is adored. All the funny requests, costumes, crazy names called out in ecstasy. Sadly too often now I receive emails, text messages and tweets from girl complaining of poor treatment or ghastly experiences.

Therefore I have devises a How to List for all those punters out there.

Gentlemen; if you want to get the most out of your lady, simply follow these simple recommendations……

1) Arrive With Money 

I recommend you carry a pen and write down exactly the figures quoted over the phone. Trust me the rates won’t have changed between the time you called for the booking and the moment your cab hit her curb. No doubt, she quotes these figures one hundred times a day so if there is a communication breakdown it will be the fault of the client who has selective hearing. With your pen jot down all the little extras, don’t assume that there are no extras. Particularly if the rate seems on the low side.

Cash is King! It is a vulva not an ATM, look similar but perform completely separate tasks. So don’t waste her time with AmEx, eftpos or Diners. Exact figures will also save you from hearing “sorry I don’t have change, I will just give you an extra bit of time”.

2) Personal Hygiene

Thus far there has been no scientific research linking deodorant with cancer. I have done additional research; showering with soap, will get you twice as clean as showering without soap.

Now let’s move on to dental hygiene….. if she says “Lets do it doggy style?” That is actually secret hooker code for “Holly shit, you had a tuna & onion sandwich for lunch for Christ sake please stop breathing on me”. In this case mints are your friend.

For all my little ant-eater friends out there, please de-cheese the general before dropping trousers. Not that we will be going near there with the naked tongue anyway but just for esthetics’ sake.

3) Man-Scapers

Lord knows I love a hairy chest (shoulders and back not so much), but if you are one of those new breed of S.N.A.Gs then please know that sex with a shaven chest is like fucking a porcupine. – Use this premise; Day 1 – fuckable, Day 2 – maybe fuckable, Day 3 – No fucking for you till say 7. This principle also can be applied to carnalingus.

4) What sort of girl are you looking for?

April

Natural Blonde

Blue Eyes, 24 YO

Long Legs 10DD, CBD

$400 p/h

This is how I used to advertise (sort of) and yet I would still get: “Hi Honey I’m looking for a mature lady is that you? Do you have big boobs? What do you charge per hour? Are you Asian? Where are you located? Are you blonde?

By the end of the call I didn’t want to fuck them just on principle! Please gentlemen do your homework, read your ads till you find one that ticks all your boxes. Time is money to a sexworker, so if you are wasting her time on the phone (if she doesn’t have a receptionist) with stupid questions she will be less inclined to welcome you with open arms at the door.

At the same time don’t be afraid to ask questions that are important to you. The last thing both of us want is you arriving at my door after I have knocked back two other clients for you to say “oh I didn’t know that you have tatoos, that really turns me off, I’m out of here”. These unfortunate awkward moments can be avoided simply by taking the time to inquire on the phone. “So does your home double as a meth den, and will you have two patch wearing bikie looking types stationed just inside the door upon my arrival?

5) Discounts & Birthday freebies

If you are from a culture that regards the art of bartering as an essential element to the purchase of any service or product, you perhaps may be excused. But everyone else there is no excuse for bartering me down on my rates. At best you will get hung up on at worst you will get a piece of my mind. My usual reaction is to ask why?

“C’mon love, any chance you can do it a bit cheaper?” Why should I? Were you the anonymous donor who donated blood to my brother after he had that terrible car accident in 1993? Are you the same Dave who pulled over to help me at 2am on the Pacific Highway when I got a flat tyre back in 2004? Why do I owe you a fucking thing?

I honestly don’t know where these guys get off even asking…..? Two lattes, one sticky date pudding, and a blueberry scone thanks. No worries that will be $18.60 thanks. Tell you what how about we call it an even $11. That just doesn’t happen in the real world so why should it happen in Prostitute Land?

I shall spell it out for you, Students: No discount New Australians: No discount Birthday Boys: Call back when you are sober. Pensioners/Concession Card holders: What do you think I am going to write to Mr Abbott for the balance or my rebate/subsidy, NO DISCOUNT!

6) How about you let me buy you diner?

No I don’t want to be your girlfriend, today alone I have ten dicks, so let’s face it I am not short on them. I can take my own bin out. I have an old man from next door mows my lawn for $20. I earned $150K last year so I can buy my own drinks at the bar, what do I need to date you for? What could you possibly bring to the table that I don’t already have or can’t supply for myself?

Tell you what I get my period next week, I really like it when someone warms my hot water bottle, makes me tea with lemon and rubs my back, you free next week?

Clients want to date the fantasy, not the person, they just don’t know that most working girls are Gemini’s. They have their working girl persona and their friend/lover/mum/daughter/employee persona for outside the red door.

As much as you may be tempted and beguiled by her femininity, her sexual whiles, her magnetic beauty, do both of us a favor and refrain from asking your working girl out.

7) Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

My favorite line was….”It’s $10 extra for lies and it’s $10 extra for lessons, which would you prefer?” Yes, that is the biggest one I have ever seen, sure I came, I love sucking a giant dick until I can’t breathe and my jaw aches. The lessons sound more like this…. No we don’t gouge out a loogie from the pit of our stomach then spit on our hands in order to save money on lubricant.

I will however commend a client when they do right but lying doesn’t seem to benefit anyone. The guy who fingers you like Woody the Wood-Pecker, are you trying to pleasure me or drill for oil?

I never understood the point of asking; “That feel good baby?” Is any self-respecting working girl going to kill his hard on and say well “no, point of interest, you are doing that entirely wrong”. I am selling fantasy, in your fantasy, you are really good in bed, and you make me drip with excitement at your very touch.

My advise, don’t ask redundant questions. Did you really enjoy that? Did you fake it? Was I really good?

8) Time Defined

Being that I am an International Sex workerI have worked in so many different time zones. In climates where time seems to stand still and yet the hands on my Tag Heuer tick over at the same rate no matter when I lay my head. Singapore an hour was always sixty minutes. Madrid an hour was sesenta minutos, in Hong Kong things were different an hour was 60分钟 finally in Dubai an hour was ستيندقيقة.

I have yet to find so much as an Island nation when an hour extends beyond sixty minutes. Don’t push the friendship gentlemen, ladies don’t enjoy being the barer of the obvious or of bad news. Don’t ask for more than you pay for.

9) Don’t ask for natural services (aka condom free services)

No if buts or maybes here. I was a Nazi when it came to this rule, those who even asked where sent to the wrong address. I don’t want to hear any of the below or derivatives there of:-

  • Just a little bit of a lick around the base?
  • I promise I’m clean
  • But I just had a full check-up for work
  • I promise I won’t come in your mouth
  • What about I pay you a little extra?
  • But I can’t feel it with the condom on.

We are doing you guys a favour here, you just don’t appreciate it.

10) Don’t offer Drugs or Stolen property

Contrary to the stereo type depicted on Law and Order TV series not all sex workers are desperate meth heads, alcoholics or only working to feed a habit. You waste time asking me twenty questions on the phone, get my address then tell me that you can only pay in gear, I am forwarding your number onto Crime Stoppers.

11) Penis Pix

I completely understand that you think that you have a particularly handsome penis, and the fact that it still shoots up nice and tall every morning like clockwork is Kodak worthy. I do not need to see him in all his glory. On these occasions what I do do is save the images of the largest dick that has been sent to me or simply google one up. I then send it back to the annoying penis poster so that he can feel completely inadequate for the briefest of moments.

Please know that as sex workers we have passes along an ancient sisterhood secret, down generations of new sexworkers as they enter the fold. Roughly translated “it’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean”. So boys if you want to impress us, please send high def, digital DVDs or Blue ray showing us your sexual prowess. Penises alone don’t tell us anything.

12) Viagra and a line of Speed

Much like breakdancing out to your boombox was all the rage in the 80’s when I handed back my sexworker membership badge Viagra was everywhere. Men would come in grinding their teeth and adjusting their chemically induced erection. One hour usually translates as at most twenty minutes of sex. But with the modern client it meant 59.5 minutes of hard-core fucking, which mini-me did not appreciate at all.

Boys will be boys but I beg of you, please disclose this chemical enhancement so that the ladies can be fully informed before agreeing to accommodate you.

13) Absolute No, Nos

So that perfect penis that you have lovingly held, stroked, wrestled and comforted since your hand could reach down there and your eyes could gave upon it’s perfection. You know every inch of it, every freckle and every wrinkle. So when a blemish starts to appear, or an odd greeny creamy ooze starts to fester from the tip please don’t disregard it as “perhaps it just has a cold, I’ll just wear a condom, and she’ll be right mate”. Free piece of advice from a sex-expert, wrap your disease ridden appendage in glad wrap then run don’t walk to your nearest doctor. Upon arrival, delete my number from your phone permanently. Then slap yourself really hard across the face because you are such a dumbass for thinking you could go bareback with a girl you meet in a bar.

Oh the tackle I have seen!!!!!!! Balls the size of footballs. Dicks that were bright orange. If your dick looks in anyway different, please don’t call your local working girl.

14) Champagne taste and beer budget

I used to own a couple of apartments, cheapest villas in the best suburb. I rented them out without the help of a real estate agency. A mistake you only make twice. Two bedroom one bathroom, tiny garden, balcony over-looking the city, small lounge and kitchen freshly painted $200 per week.

“Hi good morning I’m ringing about the ad in the paper, is there room for me to park my helicopter on the front lawn? I was looking for something with a six seater spa? Idiots!

My point is obvious, if you want Miranda Kerr or something to her equivalent, you will not find her in the ads reading; $150 fully included. Don’t moan to me…..”Oh that’s a bit expensive”. No shit, that’s the whole point. “Oh but there are other girls charging only….blah, blah, blah” McDonalds v Rockpool Bar and Grill my horney little friend.

15) More no, nos

By now you are on the final turn of your sexual steeplechase, you have sourced an advertising data base. You have compared and chosen a lady who meets your finite set of sexual needs. You have debated terms and remunerations that are mutually agreeable. You have navigated your way across town, exchanged money and pleasantries and have now reached her boudoir. Things are going really well, she seems to be quiet into you, by all accounts she is really enjoying herself, now is not a good time to ask if you can change the rules and stick it in her ass. “Oh but why not, you might like it, my last girlfriend loved it, Il give you and extra $40, pleeeeese”.

Never try to change the rules. I call this high pitched man nagging being ear-fucked.

16) Stupid questions

No my real name is not Amber Honeywell, no I also don’t believe that your name is John and that you are CEO of BHP. Brothels are a reality free zone; an accountant you say, how fascinating. So you collect snail shells as a weekend past time, my goodness I too love snails. Tell me again about that time you bought three shirts in Bali and talked them down in price from $6 to $5.20, I just love that story.

Entertain us with bullshit or allow us to entertain you with my dancing breast but for God sake keep out of our real world. You are not welcome there. You don’t know the girl that lives there. Her weekends, her hopes and dreams are none of your business.

Finally

And this may sound terribly cold, but if you see me out in a pub with my friends, don’t come and say hi. Remember, we are only bedroom friends.

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